Monday, July 13, 2009

In a world full of men.

Bleatings from EnviRambo.



The sun is streaming through my windows... I hear the cheerful chirp of a robin nearby... Content in my bed, I snuggle back in. The sound of morning commuters passing by begins to ring in my ears... And lustful thoughts of another bed flow through my mind.

I crack open one eye, 7:00. It's not too late. If I get up right now I might be able to catch them. An early morning interlude would be a nice way to start the day. I have been trying for weeks. Leaving the house early in the morning only to be disappointed by the absence of my partner. But something keeps me coming back for more. Surely I will not be stood up again? Flush with anticipation I throw back the covers. Creeping around the house, I quickly check my hair, throw on my overcoat, grab the rubbers and go.

The cool morning air kisses my skin and puts color in my cheeks. Dew glistens like the glint in my eye. The meeting place is just ahead. We are all here. What a glorious sight! So lush and full, sprawled over the bed. I sneak in, pausing a moment to collect myself. One reaches out to invite me in and we become entwined...

For the past several weeks I have been beckoned to the garden early in the morning by a golden glow of squash flowers. Arriving heady only to find a gaggle of overzealous males with nary a female in sight. Alas, maybe tomorrow. Every morning the same thing. Just a bunch of dudes standing around with their chests puffed out with no lady to impress. Sex should not be this hard. And last I recall, was actually fun. This is beginning to feel like work.

Then this morning, there she was...

Coyly hiding amongst droves of eager men. I coaxed her out from her leafy cover and introduced her suitor.

The next few images are rather graphic, you may want to shoo away the children. Peeling back the petals, I exposed her mate in all his glory.

Time to do the deed. Gently presenting him to to her, I transferred the pollen from one to another.

Now all I can do is cross my fingers, wait, and go back to bed for a smoke - if I smoked.

13 comments:

Green Bean said...

Risque, indeed!!

Interesting that you hand pollinate. Do you always or just for all of us voyeurs? I usually leave the bees to do the dirty work. ;-)

Green Resolutions said...

You're brilliant. I've heard this described but never knew how to tell male from female until I saw your pictures. Thank you :) But seriously 7 a.m.?

Heather @ SGF said...

Great pictures. Like GR, I now know what to look for. I've been having serious pollination problems and this might just be it. No females (or males). I'll keep trying!

Thanks!

greeen sheeep said...

Green Bean - I would much rather let nature take its course, but last year my crop failed, this year I can count the number of bees I have seen on half a hand, and I have several varieties planted close together. Don't want my spaghetti squash tasting like pumpkin and so forth. They will be whores and hop beds if you let them. It's better for seed saving if I can keep them chaste.

Green Resolutions & Heather - I couldn't tell one from another either until I did some internet research. These links really helped me:





Basically a male flower has a straight stem. A female flower has a slight bulge directly below the flower. That is the actual squash/pumpkin/whatever it may be waiting to develop. If it does not get pollinated the female flower withers and dies. You only have 1 day to do it. Early morning is best, sometimes they have already closed by afternoon.

greeen sheeep said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
greeen sheeep said...

Okay, I seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. You will have to copy and paste to access the links. Sorry!

http://forums.organicgardening.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/2241078301/m/6311004901

http://eatclosetohome.wordpress.com/2008/09/18/male-and-female-squash-blossom-pictures/

Crunchy Chicken said...

I'd be out doing the same thing if anything decides to blossom around here, but so far this year, no luck.

I like how you've snapped off the male appendage to do the pollinating. I usually just get the pollen on my fingers and pretend I'm a bee.

I would love to see the reaction of any human male of your mating technique :)

Green Bean said...

Got it! I always intend to plant my squashes apart from each other for seed saving purposes and then lose my will power and tuck just one more variety in here or there.

I do have a gazillion bees in my garden but they are little gigolos. I interplant heavily with borage, bee balm, zinnias and cosmos - for looks (I'm in the front yard) and get a little action on the side for my pumpkins. I will say, though, that the bees could not be less interested in my watermelon or cucumbers. May have to do a little coaxing, a la EnviroRambo.

The Mom said...

I usually do it like Crunchy Chicken. I just wish I had anything to pollinate this year. So far its a total bust. We haven't had the warmth and way too much rain.

I noticed this year that planting tomatillos really brings in the pollinators. I have bees and butterflies all over them. As a result, everything is getting pollinated nicely.

Sadge said...

If you're pimping your squash for seed-saving purposes, it's best to tape the female blossom closed afterwards. Someone could still fly in and cross-pollinate the little sluts.

esme said...

hilarious!!

All this veggie porn is making me steamy...

Green Bean said...

Okay, I just need to confess that I used your, ahem, methods, last week with my Armenian cucumber. And, um, I think she might be pregnant!

greeen sheeep said...

@Crunchy - My husband was less than enthused when he read this post.

@Sadge - You're right! I do tie them shut after the deed has been done. Forgot to mention that in my post. Thanks!

@Green Bean - Congratulations! I am having the opposite problem now. All vaginas - no penises!

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