So just what is PDeA, you ask? Some new chemical on our cookware that causes cancer? No. A hormone disrupter that leaches from plastic food storage containers we use? No. Oh, I got it... A growth hormone in our food that we do not know the future side-effects of? Nope, wrong again.
I am talking about Public Displays of eco-Affection.
photo credit © Andreas Pollok / Getty Images
Have you bore witness to this calamity? It all started with those damn tree huggers. Have you ever tried to hug a tree? They are scratchy. Then they stopped shaving... and bathing. Thank goodness hygiene has made a comeback. I mean really, how much water does a good soak in the shower use? It is not like there is a shortage of it. The stuff falls from the sky! Oh, and a friend of a friend whose cousin's uncle's aunt's (twice removed) neighbor stayed at a former long-hair's house once... she said they had this crazy-metal-archaic-torture-device looking thing in the shower. Well, she was too afraid to ask what it was, but when she got home she googled it and it is something called a "Safety Razor?", can you imagine?
I even heard there are some people that go out in public without deodorant on! I know, I know. Ghastly! But get this, they use... baking soda! Oh, that just makes me laugh. Don't they know that stuff is for cooking? Next thing you know, people will be washing their hair with vinegar. Ha! But, I digress.
What was I talking about again? Oh, right.... PDeA. Ooh, just the thought makes me shudder. It is getting a bit out of control, don't you think? I mean, people are running rampant in the streets carrying their own bags! They are everywhere! The mall, the convenience store, chain stores, big-box stores, hardware stores, even Wal-Mart. You know something has gone awry in the world when one of the biggest environmental abusers is now encouraging people to openly bring their own bags. Whew, once marketing gets a hold of this it will be all the rage. And DO NOT even get me started on the grocery stores! Never have I seen such PDeA! That kind of behavior is fine for the Farmers' Market, but the Supermarket? Come on people, have you no shame?
Keep it up and there will be no plastic bags left for me to pick up my dog poop. Then there are all these people running around on bicycles. They want whole lanes dedicated to them so they can "ride safely". Huh... just get out of the way! Don't you know roads are made for cars. Not bikes. Geesh. Don't think I am getting on one of those things! I am content to pedal the stationary bike at my gym where I can sit and watch TV or stare at the wall while listening to my iPod, thank you very much. Or, take one of those spin classes. That is the way cycling should be... behind closed doors and out of harm's way.
Some of the worst offenders are these people running around with their own water bottle strapped to their hip. First cell phones, then iPods, now reusable water bottles? One of these things is not like the other... one of these things just doesn't belong. Yeah, Klean Kanteen I think they are called? Aww... isn't that cute. What are you, a Boyscout? Who else walks around with a canteen? Is that really necessary? I mean, they sell perfectly good water in bottles everywhere. Hello?!? Why just the other day I saw someone ask to have their smoothie put into one of these. Oh wait, that was me. Shh... don't tell. What do they think this is, the gas station? It is not like they are going to get a discount for refilling their own mug. Isn't part of what you pay for, the cafe providing you a cup?
Next thing you know people will be co-mingled dishes from home with perfectly good to-go containers. When I was a waitress we used to joke about people hiding their own container in their purse to take a little extra from the buffet. Now they are whipping them out in plain sight - for all to see! - demanding their leftovers be transported in them. Hey, that is what I will use to pick up my dog poop... all those unused doggy bags restaurants will have! Brilliant!
In fact, I went to this dinner the other night... Harvest Dinner, they call it. The invite said I had to bring my own plate and eating utensils! The nerve! True story, no lie. No really, I wouldn't shit you... you're my favorite turd.
You host a party and cannot provide the plates? Okay, so you don't want to do dishes. I get it. I hate doing dishes too. Have you ever heard of a paper plate? They are wonderful! You use them once and throw them away. No mess!
There are even whole festivals dedicated to this nonsense! One day (in April right?) set aside for "loving Mother Earth", recycling, sitting in the dark, blah blah blah, and all that other feel good hippie mumbo jumbo. Cripes, they act like it is a national holiday or something. Oh wait, it is! Damn you tree huggers!
I guess what I am trying to say here people, is that there seems to be a bit of an epidemic on our hands. We are living in unprecedented times. If you do not put a stop to this madness, who will?