Thursday, December 24, 2009

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

A total rip-off of a classic Christmas poem - by Burbanmom

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
All the creatures were merry but for one little grouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney in wait,
But the grump that was grousing had a major complaint.

“The presents look festive snug under the tree,
But I can’t help but notice, there’s not much for me.”
Me in my bathrobe, and Dad in his pants,
Just stared at her blankly, as she continued her rant.
She yelled and screamed and raised such a fuss,
And pondered out loud “What’s the matter with US?”.
“My friends all have presents and presents galore.
There’s not enough here – I hope I get more!”

Dad looked at me, and I looked at Dad.
And both of us felt like we’d done something bad.
We thought we were doing our child a favor
By decreasing the volume of CRAP that we gave her.
And we tried to be kind to the planet, in fact -
By purchasing things with the smallest impact.
We bought mostly local and made our own gifts,
We purchased on e-Bay and shopped at the thrifts.

And now our small child was a panicking mess
For the lack of Barbie in a sparkly blue dress.
“I think that you’re missing the point, little one
More is not better, too much is not fun.”

But our darling young sprite would not let it go
“Santa will bring more – this I just know.”
And I looked at Dad and Dad looked at me
And I motioned in silence to meet by the tree

I whispered to him “Maybe she’s right –
What if we run out real quick tonight?”
“The mall is still open, we could get a few toys
Wrap them from Santa and give her some joy”

Dad nodded and said “It WOULD be a shame
If she thought Santa shorted her. Ok - I’m game”
So after our angel was snug in her bed,
I went to the mall, with some ideas in my head.

There wasn’t much parking, the stores were all packed
I wondered what on earth these people all lacked?
They were grumpy and rude and none of them merry
Their arms were loaded down with all the gifts they could carry.

I pushed and I shoved through the throngs in the mall
I glared at the shoppers – I hated them all.
And I’m not sure how I got caught in this last minute dash
But before I knew it – I had spent all my cash.

But I found a Barbie with a convertible car
And I got her an EasyBake, a doll and guitar.
I kept right on shopping till wee in the night
Then I went back home to wrap these delights.

But while I was wrapping things up ever-so-nimbly
I heard a strange-something come down through the chimbley.
I went to the living room, bat in my hand
Ready to pound the crap out of whatever should land
Imagine my surprise when out of the flue
Stepped a fat guy with a sack – well, I’m sure you know who

“My dear”, said the jolly, fat, elderly elf
“Put down the bat and get a hold of yourself.
I came to spread cheer, I heard the girl cry
And I had to come down to find out just why.”

“Don’t worry Santa, I’ve got it all fixed
I went out to the mall and got her more gifts.”
I tallied them up – and there’s presents a-plenty
When we add yours to these we should have more than twenty!
I’ve wrapped them up and they’re snug under the tree,
So Christmas is saved, thanks to little ol’ me.”

“You’re wrong” he said as he took off his cap.
“Christmas is not about buying them crap
Christmas is giving that comes from the heart
It’s not some hunk of plastic that came from Shop*Mart”

And with those words, he turned his fat back
And pulled one tiny present out of his sack

I looked at him and my jaw dropped a bit
“You’re leaving JUST ONE? ARE YOU KIDDING? THAT’S IT?!?!?!”
He just gave me a wink and then went to his sleigh
And I watched as the old bearded man flew away

But I heard him exclaim, as he rode away fast,
"It’s not the presents you count, it’s the blessings, you ass!"

Merry Christmas and a Bright New Year!




JessTrev said...

Snorting with glee! Have a great one, Burbs -- and thanks for the gem of a poem.

Erin aka Conscious Shopper said...

Fantastic! I love when you pop back into the Booth!

Beany said...

Loved it!

Merry Christmas everyone :)

Green Bean said...

Never a truer word written. Merry Xmas, boothers.

Burbanmom said...

Merry Christmas to all! And now, would you like to hear the poetic irony that transpired last night when dear little Daphne opened up her present from Nana - a Baby Alive Doll. The "big present" that Santa had gotten her?

Sadly, the only thing open after 8pm here was Walgreens. Yeah, nothing like some drugstore crap to put the "ho ho ho" in Christmas! :-)

Talk about a self-fulfilling prophesy!

Anonymous said...

Nice!! you should turn this one into a little book!


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