Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Next Step, The Twilight Zone

Bleatings from EnviRambo.

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call... The Twilight Zone!" - Rod Serling

Have you ever seen that show Wife Swap? I have not actually watched it, but I know the premise. Two wives swap families and must at first live by the other wife's rules, then the new wife can implement some of her own. Ever wonder what might happen if someone new was transported to your home and expected to live the way you do?

What would they think? How would they react? What would they change?

I think if someone from the past suddenly showed up at my house they might do alright. No television, microwave, computer - obviously we have these things, they just do not work without plugging in or turning on the power strip first, practically the same as not having one, right? All the cookware is glass or cast iron. We have cookware! Our food is actual food - that has to be prepared - not some food-substance that comes prepared from a box or poured from a jar. Unless they have found my stash of salsa and tomato sauce that I canned this summer. There is food growing all over outside. Tomatoes, carrots and squash in the front yard. Celery, basil and peppers along side the house. Chives and broccoli by the shed. Beans and cucumbers by the garage. Berries out back. Plenty to eat. Behind the house is a clothes line as well as one in the basement. Hell, even the clothes hanging on the line are vintage!

But what would happen if some poor unsuspecting normal person from today was suddenly thrust into to my alternate universe and expected to live the way I do? What would they do? I suspect the first they would do is go shopping.


There is not a single thing to eat in this house! Have you seen the cupboards? Nothing but a bunch of noodles and some unidentifiable stuff in jars. What is that? And how old is it? And why the hell is nothing labeled? This kind of looks like sugar, but it's a funny color and I don't want to taste it to find out. Where are all the boxes and bags that tell you what stuff is? What do you mean I have to make it? What the hell am I supposed to do with a squash? I don't even know what that is. Yeah, I know there are pots and pans, everybody has pots and pans, but that doesn't mean they actually use them! What's wrong with this damn microwave? I can't get it to work. The TV and computer are the same way. The silence is killing me! What do you mean she doesn't have an iPod? Who doesn't have an iPod? Radio? You want me to listen to the radio? Do I have to plug it in first? At least I could call somebody for help - if I could figure out how to use this stupid phone, what's with the cord? Get a cell phone already! Only the entire world has one. Cripes, even my 10 year old has a cell phone.

Could we turn a light on please? It's kind of hard to read this recipe for brown sugar without it. What kind of wacko makes their own brown sugar anyway? Oh damn, see! Now I knocked over the molasses because it's so damn dark in here. Where are the paper towels? What? You're joking, right? There are no paper towels. What do you mean there are no paper towels? How am I supposed to clean this mess up? A towel? Yeah, that's what I want, a paper towel. A real towel? Like one I dry off with after my shower? Eww.... Seems like such a waste to throw this towel away. There's no way it will ever come clean. Fine if you insist...

I'll try it, but I'm telling you there is no way in tarnation that molasses is coming out of this towel. Okay, okay, into the washer you go. Hot, soap - mmm... lavender, bleach... where's the bleach? Now this is just silly. I already had my doubts, but if you think that towel is going to come clean washed in cold water with this BORAX stuff then you are the wacko. Whatever. Not sure why I should even bother wasting fabric softener, that towel is just going to end up as a rag anyway. No fabric softener? Well, of course not. She's crunchy just like her clothes.

Hmm... what's this next to the dryer? Oh. My. Gawd. Are those... WORMS!?! Eww!!! Get it off! Get if off! Don't ever open that again.


tee hee... You don't want to be in my head or my house.


Erin aka Conscious Shopper said...

So funny...and true!

Deanna said...

That made me chuckle. I remember my son as a teenager complaining that there was nothing to eat, despite the fact that the refrigerator, freezer and pantry were packed full. I pointed that out and he said, "There's nothing to eat but ingredients!".

The Mom said...

Ha, we can change places, but it would only be an address change!

Rosa said...

I love Wife Swap, and they've done the hippie vs. materialist swap a few times - actually a peace activist in our neighborhood was on the show before I started watching.

I wanted to apply but my partner didn't want to because he thinks we're too normal and would never be chosen. Poor man doesn't even know what normal looks like.

Wendy said...

Your house sounds a whole lot like mine. Add to it, some backyard farm animals, my work-at-home job, and homeschooling, and you and I could swap and not change a thing ;).

Green Bean said...

Not THAT was fun!

knutty knitter said...

Now that I might be tempted to watch :)

viv in nz

Prairiemom said...

Lol. I just found your blog today but I am glad I did! This sounds just like my life, except my worms live in the garage.

Prairiemom said...

Lol. I just found your blog today, but I am glad I did. This sounds just like my life, except my worms live in the garage.

Diane said...

Great post. Very funny. I think I would love to come to your house to see how it should really be done and get some ideas on how to run my house the green way.


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