Monday, December 22, 2008

Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town


Gifts of Knowledge from Burbanmom

Holy reindeer! Only three jolly days left till Christmas. Are you ready? I am. The lights are up (see photo), I have all my shopping done, the gifts are wrapped, and I've only eaten about half of the candy meant for the stockings. Since I have no need to hit the mall for last minute gifts, I can sit back and enjoy myself.

So what am I doing with this extra time? I'm surfing the 'net, of course. And I'm glad I am too, because it was on the magic interwebbies that I learned this: In an effort to promote an eco-friendly holiday season, Santa Clause has made some big changes. It's true. Here's what I've learned....

While Mr. Clause has always made an effort to reduce his personal carbon footprint by foregoing traditional air travel, he has decided to up the ante this year. To raise awareness about the effects of blatant consumerism on our fragile environment, Mr. Clause has instituted several changes for 2008:

Santa will be reducing the number of gifts given to each child. Instead of the normal seven presents, each child will receive one "gotta have it" gift, one book and a stocking filled with small, durable toys and candy. Fewer gifts, less resources. It's really that simple.

No plasticrap, lead coated, child-made presents from China will be in Santa's bag so don't bother asking for a Transformer or Bratz Doll Convertible. In addition to the environmental benefits, this will also help reduce the demand for child labor in undeveloped countries.

Santa will no longer be wrapping presents. This single change should reduce paper consumption by 400 tons and will reduce the need for scotch tape by 6,000 rolls. Instead, Santa will take the time to assemble his gifts and will leave them under the tree. Santa will remove all packaging and return it to the North Pole recycling facility.

And lastly, coal will no longer be given to naughty children. The effects of underground coal mining or worse - mountaintop removal - are far too damaging to the environment. Instead, naughty children will recieve petrified reindeer shit.

Gotta love a green Santa, don't ya?

Merry Christmas to all and to all a Mindful Night.


- Burbanmom

13 comments:

Electronic Goose said...

Petrified reindeer shit, lol

fullfreezer said...

At least it's petrified. It would be so much more memorable fresh ;) We thought about putting potatoes in the stockings instead of coal.

Green Bean said...

What a hilarous way to start off the week. Have I mentioned how much I think we would get along irl? I too have only eaten 1/2 of the candy meant for stockings. :)

As to the wrapping, I think that is a fantastic idea. We started doing that a few yrs ago - not for eco reasons but it's just more fun for the kids to run out and see their gifts instead of rip wrapping paper off, put it in the "recycling paper bag" or watch as mom carefully refolds it for next year, then wait patiently while dad pries the tape and twist ties off of their gift and then watch grandpa try to shove all the leftover plastic packaging into the trash can the day after Xmas.

Have a merry one!

JessTrev said...

Ahhhh, Burbs! Peas in a pod. Cept we have, sadly, eaten about 80% of the candy so we may have to head out for more. Worse fates have been had! Hope you have a great week.

ruchi aka arduous said...

The kids will definitely be petrified by the raindeer shit, that's for sure!!

psuklinkie said...

What a fun, fantastic post! I love the "petrified reindeer shit" idea! If I had naughty children, they'd be getting exactly that.

One small picky tidbit (and I'm sorry, but it drives me nuts). Santa Claus is traditionally spelled without that last "e." I believe the "e" came into common use after Tim Allen's "Santa Clause" movie. A clause is an addition to a contract while a Claus is a holiday figure originating in Teutonic language nations. Please forgive my retentiveness! (and if I'm wrong, please correct me so I can stop feeling so crazy over a single letter!)

Donna said...

They're supposed to get candy in the stockings! I think Santa feeds ours to the reindeer. :)

Erin aka Conscious Shopper said...

Your Santa is awesome!...Our poor kids don't get gifts from Santa. We opted not to go with that holiday tradition for various reasons...Unfortunately, my kids still seem to be confused since my oldest son gave our address to some strange man who "looked like Santa" at the thrift store today!

leslie said...

I did not know that the North Pole has a Recycling facility.

Nice lights ;)

Have a good one, Burbs.
xoxoxoxox

jennconspiracy said...

petrified reindeer shit - ROTFLMAO!

Burbanmom said...

fullfreezer: Yeah, I opted for petrified because I thought a nice, hot, steaming pile of shit might get the candy canes all sticky. And I'm the one who eats the candy canes.

GB: OMG, this isn't real life?!?! I have some sucky ass fantasies, then!

Jess: The only reason we haven't eaten it all is because I already divvied half up and put it in "no touch-ey" bags.

psuklinkie: Really? You're asking me, the queen of OCD, if you're anal?

Erin: I'd be more than a little worried that some creepy old dude is coming down your chimney. Ever see "Strangers"?

Leslie: You know that I didn't even think about writing this post until I got your email with the picture of the lights! And then I had to come up with a post where I could use it! Thanks, darlin! :-)

Fake Plastic Fish said...

A certain Santa Claus left me gifts on my desk at work today. A green plastic gift bag containing a plastic-wrapped candy cane, a plastic case with 2 pink foam "Gal Pal" garment deodorant remover thingies (WTF?), and three mini candy bars in of course more plastic.

WTF? WTF? WTF? WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTFFFFF?????!!!!!!!

I hate my job. It's not that they don't know. It's that they don't give a shit!

:-)

B.

P.S. WTF am I supposed to do with deodorant removers? I don't even use deodorant. I'm a baking soda baby.

B again.

I know this has nothing to do with your post. I'm stuck at work at 11pm and needed to rant. (Can I get drunk by thinking about it hard enough?)

Burbanmom said...

Beth,

Oh, my dear. If you could get drunk by just thinking about it, don't you think we'd all be passed out by now?

E.

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