Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Edible Exhibitionism

Dear Ms. Bean:

I've become disturbed by the increasing number of fruits and vegetables licentiously lounging in front yards across the country. It seems to be spreading from one local loving lightskirt to another without any respect for tradition or manners. What happened to modestly tucking your melons in your backyard?

Signed, Agog over Audacious Asparagus

Dear Agog,

Indeed, I do understand your concern. Long gone, it seems, are the days when people put their pumpkins out of sight and concealed their carrots and cantaloupes. Some argue that it started with Michelle Obama, who, with no regard to decency, sprawled a salacious garden where discrete grass once grew. First "ladies" from around the country quickly lined up behind the President's wife, brazenly baring their kitchen's wares for their constituents.

I for one saw this trend coming though.

It began with a flagrant few. They began unveiling their artichokes. Poking potatoes between their petunias. Sneaking squash in with the sunflowers. The action by Ms. Obama and the other licentious ladies has emboldened them, however.

Indeed, it seems that where ever I wander, I'm wading through watermelons and running past radishes and rhubarb. In my own neighborhood, women of my acquaintance have fallen prey. They plant tawdry tomatoes and cheeky chard where only lawn used to lounge. Peeping peppers leer out from amongst the brazen blackberries and gutsy grapes fornicate openly on the arbor. These homesteading harlots even harbor herbs and all manner of edible flowers in their gardens. Goodness but it is enough to keep one indoors.

Why, on a weekend getaway, I was approached by one such loose locavore who offered to expose her eggplant. She noted that she and her husband had ripped up their lawn, hand weeded it and carted rocks down from her parents' place to create the beds for the beets and berries! Oh be still my heart! That parents' could support such a display. She further reported that she dug up the plan for her garden from one of those dirty magazines, one called Sunset. The rag! Dear reader, I must confess that curiosity got the best of me and I sought out the woman's yard.

As feared, she let it all hang out. Beans groped up the poles of a bounded tee pee. Squash - summer and winter - intermingled and frolicked across the soil. Tomatoes tittered and lusty lettuce snuggled in their beds.

I am so sorry, dear Agog, to announce that I've even seen people practically doing it in the road. Strawberries strutting along the curb like common streetwalkers. The cucumber concubines lain out on a busy corner for all the world to see.

I fear, though, that there is no stopping these foodie floozies. And, well, you know how the old saying goes. If you cannot beat them, join them. Apologies, fondest Agog, but that's just what I've done. My own front yard frivolity is below.

Yours in edible exhibitionism,

Ms. Green Bean
A Scarlet (runner bean) Woman


Strawberry Girl said...

LOL, my cousin I am sorry to say has joined the ranks and has even been known to employ plastic bins from their laundry soap as a planter (the nerve)... I believe I will join the trend as well. ;D

greeen sheeep said...

The nerve. I love it!

Jess said...

Hilarious, I love this post -- the writing AND all the racy photos.

Daisy said...

so, so fun! Edible Exhibitionism: it's the new black, I'm sure.

organicneedle said...

I'm so jealous. I can only expose my produce through my window. Although, my basil pressed against the window is a pretty exciting sight.

Green Bean said...

Strawberry Girl: Goodness but your cousin sounds like quite a loose locavore!! And you are thinking of joining the trend . . . what your mother must think!

Greeen Sheeep: Nervy indeed!

Jess: Ha! I hadn't thought of the photos as being racy as well. Why this post is downright pornographic!

Daisy: The new black! Love it. :)

Needle: I'll just bet you've got a lot of peeping toms panting over your basil, you edible exposer, you.

momanddadcamping said...

I love it. The only thing I would worry about is the contaminants from the street (aka car exhaust) getting into my vegetables.

Michelle said...

This is hysterical! I would probably plant more in our front yard too, if it weren't for those pesky deer and jack rabbits all over the place. Feed those rabbits well and they'll do what rabbits do...even more! Yikes! So for now, I'll keep my orbs to the back yard.

Beany said...

Hahahaha! This was brilliant!

Show your melons people, they're tasty tasty melons ;)

Green Bean said...

Momanddadcamping: Good point though I suppose it depends on whether you live along a road that is more heavily traveled. My sister, who is a landscape architect, says, too, that you are not supposed to plant within three feet of a house built before the 1970s due to possible lead exposure. Always something.

Michelle: You mean you don't want us ogling your orbs?? We don't have rabbits but I've been engaged in an ongoing battle with as well as multiple insect populations.

Beany: Such immodest melons you have!

June said...

It's great to see American gardeners letting it all hang out! Maybe there's hope for us after all... Thanks for sharing your delightful account with photos.

EcoBurban said...

My pea plants were uprooted by my Dalmatian yesterday... The tomato plants are drowning from too many summer storms and I am pretty sure I planted the pepper plants too closely together, so I will just drool at your garden, K??

Lovely as always!!

Green Bean said...

June: Yes, maybe we are starting to be a little less modest with our vegetables - and that can only be a good thing.

EcoBurban: Ahhh, well, I've all but given up on my beans and sunflowers but the pumpkins, at least, are growing. :)


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