Edible Exhibitionism

Dear Ms. Bean:

I've become disturbed by the increasing number of fruits and vegetables licentiously lounging in front yards across the country. It seems to be spreading from one local loving lightskirt to another without any respect for tradition or manners. What happened to modestly tucking your melons in your backyard?

Signed, Agog over Audacious Asparagus

Dear Agog,

Indeed, I do understand your concern. Long gone, it seems, are the days when people put their pumpkins out of sight and concealed their carrots and cantaloupes. Some argue that it started with Michelle Obama, who, with no regard to decency, sprawled a salacious garden where discrete grass once grew. First "ladies" from around the country quickly lined up behind the President's wife, brazenly baring their kitchen's wares for their constituents.

I for one saw this trend coming though.

It began with a flagrant few. They began unveiling their artichokes. Poking potatoes between their petunias. Sneaking squash in with the sunflowers. The action by Ms. Obama and the other licentious ladies has emboldened them, however.

Indeed, it seems that where ever I wander, I'm wading through watermelons and running past radishes and rhubarb. In my own neighborhood, women of my acquaintance have fallen prey. They plant tawdry tomatoes and cheeky chard where only lawn used to lounge. Peeping peppers leer out from amongst the brazen blackberries and gutsy grapes fornicate openly on the arbor. These homesteading harlots even harbor herbs and all manner of edible flowers in their gardens. Goodness but it is enough to keep one indoors.

Why, on a weekend getaway, I was approached by one such loose locavore who offered to expose her eggplant. She noted that she and her husband had ripped up their lawn, hand weeded it and carted rocks down from her parents' place to create the beds for the beets and berries! Oh be still my heart! That parents' could support such a display. She further reported that she dug up the plan for her garden from one of those dirty magazines, one called Sunset. The rag! Dear reader, I must confess that curiosity got the best of me and I sought out the woman's yard.

As feared, she let it all hang out. Beans groped up the poles of a bounded tee pee. Squash - summer and winter - intermingled and frolicked across the soil. Tomatoes tittered and lusty lettuce snuggled in their beds.

I am so sorry, dear Agog, to announce that I've even seen people practically doing it in the road. Strawberries strutting along the curb like common streetwalkers. The cucumber concubines lain out on a busy corner for all the world to see.

I fear, though, that there is no stopping these foodie floozies. And, well, you know how the old saying goes. If you cannot beat them, join them. Apologies, fondest Agog, but that's just what I've done. My own front yard frivolity is below.

Yours in edible exhibitionism,

Ms. Green Bean
A Scarlet (runner bean) Woman